Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Fear of the Future


Recently my older brother graduated from high school, which is a terrifying thing, for him more so than for me.  But it's had me thinking about my future.  In two years, I'll be in his place, and it's so strange to think that.  Just yesterday it seems I was doing cartwheels in the front yard and playing with my mom's makeup.  Today, while I may not be all grown up just yet, I'm getting there.  And that, my friends, is the scary part.

When you're in school, that's your entire life.  Wake up, go to school, get bored to death in class, kill yourself trying to keep up with the work, go to sleep and then repeat.  For nearly my whole life, that has been the routine.  That has been my world.  But when I graduate, reality will set in.  The world becomes much more imminent and so much larger than before.  All the possibilities are petrifying and exhilarating in equal measure. You only get one chance to do it right, so what if you screw it up?  College will provide a limited bubble, but once you're out in the real world, there's no going back.



The future is something my childhood friends and I would talk about at sleepovers. Being a teenager sounded galaxies away, a far off future viewed of more as an alternate reality than a tangible actuality.  But as I have aged, time flies by even more quickly every passing second.  Time is such a fickle, impossible thing that never cooperates.  Some hours stretch into oblivion and other times entire days seem to have passed without recognition.  The next thing I know, I'll be on my own, with my life no longer so intertwined with those in my immediate vicinity.

I have goals and dreams, a relative plan.  But in life, anything can happen.  I want to travel the world, experience every inch of life there is to offer, and to read as many books and talk to as many people as humanly possible.  I want discovery and adventure.  But who really knows?  Being an adult isn't a piece of cake (although there is cake, which I like to view as a consolation prize for all the abominable things that happen).  There are ambiguous things such as taxes, jobs, and all those other facets of adult life that no one has really explained.  There's no guide book to life, not really. Nobody knows what they're doing.  We are all just trying our best, day by day.  We all carry on.  It's all we know how to do.   




The question I am wondering is:  am I prepared to leave the bubble?  High school is hell, and I won't be sad to leave that particular aspect behind, but to abandon that relative sanctuary is like walking across a tight rope with no safety net.  Life is huge and ominous, cruel and potentially beautiful.  Taking that plunge will be terrifying in every way imaginable, but you can't live without a little risk.  You just have to jump, and hope there's no rocks at the bottom.   



18 comments:

  1. I have this kind of post scheduled on my blog, and while typing it I thought I was the only one! It's good to find out that I'm not the only one that's not that excited to grow up. All my friends can't wait to start moving out and here I am hoping that time could slow down for a while. Growing up is so scary, so many things could go wrong and I'm really afraid I'll ruin my life and just fail :(

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    1. I mean, growing up is exciting, sure, but it's also terrifying. I have no idea what I'm doing! I still feel stuck back in 2010. Time flies by so fast. Failure is such a big fear of mine as a perfectionist, so it's hard to balance that fear with the knowledge that you just have to LIVE passionately no matter what. Thanks so much for commenting, Tasya!

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  2. Mm, as someone who is now in college, I know I felt this way when I was in my last couple of months of high school. And I'm still feeling this way, but towards 'real life' now. There's a measure of security, of guidance when you're still learning, but I'm terrified to think of the future, and how I'll even live - because I can imagine it will be VERY different to now!
    I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way - thank you for sharing :)

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    1. I mean, it's all kind of overwhelming, isn't it? To think you turn 18 and suddenly you're an Adult (whatever that means). I'm excited, but very nervous. Thanks for commenting, Geraldine, I'm so glad you liked it!

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  3. I couldn't agree more with this <3 sometimes I'm scared of the future, sometimes I want to get it over with, and sometimes I wish it had come already.

    Ellie | On the Other Side of Reality

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    1. I'm so happy you feel the same, Ellie. It's a lot to imagine and hard to deal with sometimes. I want to experience it all, yet some parts I wish I could fast forward through.

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  4. I will come at you as an old lady in her 30's - enjoy it all. College is such a great time and so is life after. Do not be scared to screw up - that is how you learn. Do what you love and definitely travel. Travel so much! Each different phase in life is kind of scary but awesome in what it brings.

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    1. This is exactly what I try to remind myself of: that failing is part of learning. It's hard to remember, sometimes. But I am definitely planning on lots of travelling. If anything is set in stone, it's that. Thanks so much for commenting, Grace!

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  5. I really agree Erin! I'm going into my last year of high school this September, and I'm petrified for the future! It seems as if the world will be judging me now, and I'll have to work even harder to leave a good impression. I just want to be 5 years old again you know?!

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    1. Exactly! There is so much pressure in high school, and I stress so much about getting everything right, but then I think, what if I fail? It's daunting, but I guess it just comes with the territory. Thanks so much for commenting, Emily!

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  6. As someone who just graduated from high school, I relate to this! I felt the exact same way two years ago, and now those fears are all the more pressing. For me, high school was comfortable after the initial adjustment - I challenged myself in my classes of course, but I mostly stayed within my comfort zone in terms of trying new things and making friends, and I knew I could count on my parent to help me out with just about anything. With college, change is being FORCED upon me, and I'm trying to learn to deal with it by myself. But my best tip is remembering how stressed I was about kindergarten when I was in preschool, how stressed I was about middle school when I was in elementary school, how stressed I was about high school when I was in middle school. All those things seemed intimidating at the time, but in retrospect, they turned out just fine. So I'm stressed about college now, and I'll be stressed about finding a career shortly, but past experience says I'll be able to handle it. :)

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    1. I definitely know what you mean! I was so much more stressed about high school before I was actually in it...although the work definitely stresses me out right now. But looking back I always see how everything turned out fine. It's just the leaping into the unknown that seems scary I suppose. But college is such a huge step! I'm actually very excited for college and I hope you are, too. Only why does it have to cost so much?! Thanks so much for commenting, Emily and good luck in college!

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  7. The future is so so scary. And it is strange to think that we are so close to whatever is going to happen and everything is so unknown. Like me from five years ago would not hve been able to imagine me as I am now. In another five years a new version of ourselves will be looking back as well as forwards and ahhhh it's so weird!!!! This such an awesome post and I bet Bloglovin' was just jealous of how amazing it is, so that was why it was hidden from me! <3

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    1. It really, really is. It's exciting, yet it also terrifies me. But I agree that it is so strange that you can look back into the past and into the future, both the known and unknown, knowing that you can't experience either this day, only imagine or remember them. Anyway, thanks for commenting, Rebekah!

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  8. Girl, you just wrote every cluttered nervous thought inside my head about finally entering the college life... and I'm pretty sure I'm not entirely prepared for it either. I definitely agree about the part where high school has sort of been a sanctuary for me, or maybe a sort of rhythm or pattern that I don't think I'm prepared to stop. :( Ack. Hopefully college life will be a good one for me.

    Lovely post, Erin! (And you also just got me emotional. xD)

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    1. I'm so happy you can relate, Mara! It's so strange to be standing at this point in life knowing that LIFE is about to crash down around you. High school is awful, but at least we know where we stand. I am super excited for college, though. Thanks so much for commenting, Mara!

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  9. This is exactly how I've been feeling lately. My sister just graduated as well, and now I'm scared of the thought of somehow leaving the enclosed community of high school where, at least in mine, everyone knows everyone and has a part. I guess I'm terrified of being out in the world with so many options; I'm overwhelmed by where to go.
    Thank you for the beautiful post! :)

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    1. Exactly! In high school you at least know where you stand and what's going on, but in the real world, I'm lost. It's exhilarating to know you can do anything you want, but terrifying, too. Thanks so much for commenting, Melissa!

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